One week

It has been one week since I left the University of Utah Hospital and it has been very nice to be home. Sleeping with out being woken by a nurse every 4 hours or by doctors at 5:45 in the morning is a blessed thing. This last week has been an interesting one as I am trying to learn about my new digestive system and how to get it to work. I have learned I have to eat very slowly and small amounts at a time. If I don't I deal with nausea, up set stomach and on the rare occasion vomiting. On the bright side, I can eat!! Not only that but I can drink! It is an amazing feeling to drink a couple of ounces or more and not throw it up. It may be a while before my stomach gets back to being able to eat regular meals but I will take the fact that I can eat. 

One thing that has been abundantly show to me over the last week is how blessed I am and how much I have been given. At this moment, I am very blessed to be alive and to have the future outlook that I do. I could have problems in the future but the likely hood is small. As of right now I am alive and I owe that to my family, to the guided medical professionals who were able to act swiftly and most importantly to my savior who protected me through all of this. I have been asked many times through out all of this how I deal with the craziness and with being sick all the time. I usually give my canned answer of how I feel like I will get better and that there isn't a need to be grumpy because that just makes others miserable too. I feel like till this point I have handled everything pretty well emotionally and a lot of that has to do with my faith and from the love and support I have received from my family and Friends. I have learned I'm not as strong as I think I am.

This week, I watched something that really hit me harder then I would have imagined. Kassia has been sick with a fever and a cough all week and that resulted in a lot of snuggle time with her on the couch in front of the TV. Sean and I had started watching this one show along time ago and we were excited to be able to finally watch the last season. When we go to the last episode, they were doing flash forwards of what had happened in these characters lives. One of the main characters, wife had ended up getting sick in their 40's probably and they showed a scene of the husband sitting next to her bed in the hospital. She ended up passing away and leaving the guy a single dad of two kids. It was when I saw that hospital scene, I came unglued. Even writing this I can't get through it without tears. 

The reality of what has been going on for the last year and half has been a lot more serious then I had been giving it credit. As the one going through it, I just soldiered on and figured that this is just part of life and we'll get through it. I knew this wasn't just effecting me but my focus was not so much on how this might be emotionally and physically taking a toll on those around me. Thinking about it from the perspective of those who love and care for me, they have seen me go from an energetic healthy 27 year old to a skeleton of a woman at 29. They could see how sick I was every time I would say, "no I'm fine", they would help me try to get better the best they could or help me see that I really wasn't fine and needed help. I lived/am living the consequences the vomiting has taken on me but they have had a front row seat to really see what it has done. From my father telling me how scared he was when he saw me in October because of how sick I looked to the comments of many friends who have expressed their concern for me. 

When I really stop to think about it, it is not healthy or normal for a 29 year old to have tube in her stomach to receive nutrition through and a line in her arm for hydration. It is not normal to have doctors appointments 3+ times a week and to have spent almost a month in the hospital. Having a blood transfusion and being told that I wasn't stable enough to be sent out of the ICU for a CT scan, isn't normal. In fact when I think about it, it's down right scary. Two weekends ago I needed 7 pints of blood, without it I probably wouldn't be here. I needed emergency surgery to fix the leak, again with out that I might not be here. It was a very humbling realization to know how my life had been saved.

So that brings me back to the TV show we were watching, when I saw the husband sitting next to his wife in the hospital, it hit me like a ton of bricks. In that moment, I saw Sean and the many times he has sat next to my hospital bed, praying for me to be ok. Praying for his wife and the mother of his children to make it through. He dealt with me and my craziness as I would foolishly telling the doctors that I was fine and I can handle it, all the time not realizing the peril I was actually in. Through it all Sean always was right next to me. The love of my life doing exactly what he promised to do on September 29th 2005, to love me forever and to always be there for me, no matter how broken I was. 

Unlike the TV program, I have made it through and have not left Sean a widower or my daughters Motherless. I have been blessed with the chance to stay here on earth a little longer. I know that life is fragile and can be taken away at any moment but today I am grateful to be alive and to have the hope of being able to do the things I dream of. I know many people don't have the luxury of even dreaming of leading a normal life and my heart truly aches for them. I have been given a new lease on life and I hope I can make the most of it. My problems in life are not over nor should I ever expect them to be but there are a few things that I have learned that will help me through my future problems. I know I am loved. I have seen such an out poring of love and affection from my family and friends I can't deny that I important and loved. I also am grateful for the perspectives that this trial has helped me see, I feel a lot more compassion for those around me and for those going through hard times. I also have felt my saviors love more times then I can count. I truly feel that I have had direct blessing because of the prayers and the fasting that has been done for me. There have been to many situations that have happened to my benefit for it to just be luck, I know I have been watched over, and maybe someday in another post will expand on those. 

As the weeks move on, life will continue to improve. I have to be patient with myself and my body and remember that it will all work out. Thank you all again for you love, support, and prayers. You all have played a very important part in my life. 

I came across this picture on one of my SMAS support groups and it is perfect: