What the numbers don't say

I find myself in a very unique situation at this point in my life. I am actively trying to gain weight. Before getting sick, I was never really one to worry about my weight much. If I felt a little heavy, I would cut back the sweets, exercise a little more and a little bit of weight would come off. But, for the most part, I was blessed with a metabolism and lifestyle that allowed me to stay at a healthy weight. I was healthy, happy and my weight wasn't really an issue. Sure, at times, I wish my weight would have been distributed to different areas of my body (like most women), but that was not in my control. No matter what, I just wasn't going have a Beyoncé booty and I learned to be okay with no booty…it still got me where I needed to go. 

Two years ago, this perception started to change as weight became a very big issue for me (see SMAS or this post). At the time, we just hit our 8 year anniversary and in that time, we had never owned a scale. I finally broke down and bought one but not for the purpose of losing weight but to make sure I didn't lose too much. Fast forward two years and hardly a day goes by where I don't weigh myself. My weight is a big indicator as to what is going on with my body. If I lose to very much quickly, usually it means I'm dehydrated or I'm not getting enough calories and my tube feeds need to be adjusted. Many times after leaving the hospital, I would weigh more due to all the IV fluids they would pump into my body. So, I have to find that balance to make sure my body is getting what it needs. 

I have hesitated to share this as it is the lowest my weight has gone, but I'm not ashamed, it is part of my journey.

One thing that I have learned over the years is that no matter what size you are, there is always going to be body shaming, especially for women. We live in a culture that is obsessed with how we look and unfortunately we never meet up to the expectations that are put on us. We will always be too short, too tall, too thick, too thin, too heavy, too skinny, too tan, too pale, too whatever…the list can go on and on. There is always going to be someone or something out there that says we are not good enough. 

I have been fairly lucky to not have too many people comment about my size. Growing up, I used to get teased all the time for being too skinny and then I would see those same kids turn around and tease another kid for being too fat. I have come across a few individuals in the past two years that have had to endure public shaming due to thinness of their bodies. Shame for something they couldn't control and was caused by an illness and not by choice. On the flip side, I know many who are shamed on a daily basis by media, doctors, friends and family for being overweight. Body shaming goes both ways. 

As I have pondered this issue over the past year or so, I have come to the realization that weight is just a number. It is a number that shows up on a scale that people measure their self-worth and value through. If the number is too high, their value is lowered. If the number is too low, again their value is lowered. Unfortunately, society doesn't see the number on the scale for what it really is. It is just a number. It holds no meaning as to the worth of an individual. 

We as humans are obsessed with numbers and what they can "tell" us. For example, if someone is overweight, studies have shown that they are at a greater risk of developing serious health conditions. What the numbers and the studies don't show is the real person behind the numbers. They don't show individual struggles that are attached to that number on the scale. It doesn't show the person who has been caring for their mother who has been battling cancer and they have been so busy caring for her that they have had to eat out more. It doesn't show the girl who tries to eat healthy but just can't seem to lose the weight, she would like to exercise but her anxiety about her weight keeps her from going to the gym. It doesn't show the person who longs to be able to eat just a simple sandwich without being riddled with pain and nausea afterwards, who would give anything to be able to eat like everyone else. The numbers don't show what makes an individual. 

I sometimes wish that the bathroom scale could simply say healthy or unhealthy. I do realize that to do so would require a lot of different numerical factors, but in a perfect world, we wouldn't need scales at all. In this world, I think people need to focus less on the number that the scale says and focus more on how their bodies make them feel…healthy or unhealthy. This thought really came to me as I lied down on an x-ray table having a test done and the x-ray tech, after feeling for where my hip bones were, exclaimed how skinny I was and she wasn't used to working on such a thin person. I told her that I actually wished I weighed more than I do. She gave me a disgusted look and told me that most people would be happy to be as skinny as me. I told her that it would be one thing if I was healthy at this weight, but I'm not and that's why I'm lying on this table. Her expression changed and simply said, good point. 

Ultimately, weight is just a number. If a person feels healthy and happy at 300 lbs., who are we to judge that person’s worth according to their weight. Who knows? That person could be in the best shape of their life and their weight is not a hindrance to their quality of life.  If a person is healthy at 110 lbs., it's not our place to put stereotypes and say they are anorexic. They may eat 3000 calories a day but still not be able to put on a single pound due to a high metabolism. If they are healthy, that is what matters. If a person is unhealthy, they should by all means do what they can to get to a place that is healthy for them, however that may look.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of numbers, numbers have saved my life, but numbers don't define me. Just like my illness doesn't define me, my weight doesn't define me. I am more than my body. I am an individual. There is no one else out there like me and I am learning that is a good thing. It is through our differences that the world thrives. So, let us be a little kinder to those around us and to ourselves. Let numbers shape us and help us grow but not define who we are as individuals, because as individuals, we are unquantifiable.