It is has been just over a week since I was discharged from the hospital. You could say a lot has happened or you could say a little has happened and both would probably be correct in their own rights. No matter what is going on in me sphere, the world keeps moving forward and time keeps going. I try to not focus on the "little" because my expectations never match up to reality and what is dreamed as ok/normal. I have been extremely humbled this last week and I have had to be ok with where I am.
To explain, I am tired. A different tired that I haven't experienced in my life. When going through a hard time, I tend to compare what I'm dealing with now, with things that I have experienced in the past. I think about the day after the USAA National championship track meet when I was a freshman. For two days I had pushed my body to it's physical limits. I had participated in 15 events and had success in many of them and it was worth all the effort I put into it. I also could barely walk for two days after. My legs and body were sore and my strength was like jello and they had nothing more to give but the fantastic thing about my body at that time, is it got better. From that experience my body got stronger.
Fast forward almost 10 years, and here I sit on the couch writing a blog about my life. Today we went out to the Upper Arlington Art Festival and we were there for probably 45 minuets. It was really nice to get out and Maia had a great time but I was spent. It was really hot and we only parked about 5 minuets away but I was too tired to make it back to the car. It is hard for me to admit that but it is what it is and Luckily Sean was able to go get the car to pick Kassia and I up. Once we got home Sean put the girls down for their naps and I crashed on the couch. I reflect on that experience when I was completely physically exhausted from exercising, there was still a core of energy that I could feel would return. Today, I reached for that core and it feels muddled. Usually a couple days of good rest and I'm back at it. This time is different. Even though I have received the more nutrition in the last weeks, then I have in a long time, I am more tired then I was before I had my J tube placed.
I have to remind myself on days like this, that this too shall pass. I have been humbled. I know it will take time for my body to regain it's strength and being tired is just a part of that healing process. I am humbled because I know this just a short time in my life. There are many many people in this world that struggle with illnesses and limitations that don't have the hope of recovery. In a couple of years, I will hopefully be looking back at this time as my rock bottom, but that rock as being something that I a grow and learn from. As long as I have my J tube running properly, I should never have to feel the dark depths of starvation ever again.
I am humbled by the outpouring of love that has been shown to me. To many people to name have reached out to me and shared their love with me and my family. I am humbled by the peace I have felt through this experience. I am humbled by all the prayers that have been said and the fasts that have been completed for me. I know that I am very blessed. I can't deny that.
How this last complication with the bowel obstruction resolved, is a prime example of a direct blessing in my life. I didn't share this earlier but I feel like I should. Once I was admitted to the hospital, I asked Sean and my Dad to give me a blessing. I don't remember what was said but I remember feeling peace and knowing that things would be alright. Having my dad there was a huge because he was able use some of his chiropractic knowledge and tools to work on the area of my abdomen where we thought the blockage might be. Because of the blessing, and a combination of what my dad did and the medical interventions, I was able to avoid surgery and recover from the obstruction. I am still dealing with the after effects of the obstruction but I am so grateful that I'm not dealing with recovery of another surgery.
Throughout my life I have had the privilege to know many who struggle with health, financial, and mental well being problems. One girl inparticular, has stuck out to me while I have been dealing with this health debacle. When we lived in Wymount I had the opportunity to give quite a bit of service to a young couple who were expecting their first child. (I may have a few of these details off) but while in her second trimester, she suffered something close to a stroke but it was a bleed on her brain stem. She ended up having surgery during her pregnancy and it saved her life and her sons but she was left with many neurological problems.
Her life changed drastically from that time on. After fighting for a long time to keep her husband in school and trying to live life as normally as possible, they chose to move. As a relief society we came in and help this sister move. I was so humbled to be there packing things that I know I would never want other people packing for me, for this young woman. It may have been killing her inside but she took it very gracefully. While I was helping her pack I came across pictures of what I can only assume where her senior pictures. She was so beautiful in the couple pictures that I saw. Her smile was so stunning and I remember thinking, "Oh how much her, the girl in the pictures, life has changed and the dreams that will never be completed. I feel so sorry for her."
I have learned how naive that thought was. This woman has been a great example to me as she has journeyed over the last few years and one thing I have learned is that it is ok to refocus your dreams. There are times that no matter how hard we try or how much we plan, there are some dreams that we just don't reach. I remember in High School being so obsessed with the Olympics. I was determined that I was going to be an Olympian. Well I came to realize in college that no matter how hard I worked my body wasn't capable of being an Olympic high jumper. I had to learned what goals were possible for my body and be happy with trying to push to reach those goals. I have learned great happiness can be found through refocusing life's expectations, but that happiness doesn't usually come till the pain of the loss of a dream has subsided.
There are so many people out there who have struggles that are so much greater than mine. I am so humbled to have experienced/ be experiencing a small portion what many struggle with. I recognize that my trial is real and it is hard for me but there is so much that I am still capable of so much. My prognosis is unknown but I know that there are areas of my life that will return to more of a normal appearance.
I am reminded even though I'm tired, I can get up off the couch to feed my child. I can't run right now but I should be able to in the future. I may never be able to eat a full meal again but I can cook for others to enjoy. One of the things in my life, that most don't even take a second thought about, will be different for a long time. The way I eat will be different and that is ok. I just have to find my groove.
I don't know what the future holds but I know that right now there is a lot that is good.
Here is some of the good that has happened this last week:
I was releaced from the hospital and had a great couple of days to visit with my mother before she returned to Oregon. (I'll post a couple pictures once I get on my computer).
On Saturday we watched BYU play and win against Nebraska!
On Saturday morning Maia and Kassia were really cute together:
Sisterly love! Oh and Maia's favorite color on Saturday was blue so everything had to be blue.
We teach them young here who to cheer for!
I absolutely love when Kassia gently touches her Daddy's face (usually it is soft right before she starts trying to pull his hairs), but the love is there.
Here are some pictures from our outing to the Upper Arlington Art Festival:
Maia giving a hug to Sparky the fire dog and getting to sit in a fire truck.
No comments:
Post a Comment