Missing

One of the hardest things right now is that I feel like I am missing out on so many different things with my girls. I am so very grateful to be their mother and I don't ever want that to be questioned. I prayed for these precious souls to join our family and feel very blessed to have them in my life. The hard part is the expectations and dreams that I have for my girls and for their relationship with me, at this point in life are not coming to fruition. With this challenge I have had to put the care of my girls into the hands of others and although my roll is stil a very important one, it is a shadow compared to where I drempt it would be. 

I feel like, due to my sickness, kassia has been robbed of many of the things that Maia was privileged too at this time In her life. I miss the closeness I had through breastfeeding. I miss that feeling in my bosom of being needed implisively by the child I carried in my womb for nine months. I miss having the energy to play with kassia and help her develop. I feel like the last three months have been such a blur and since each day we have been in survival mode, I have missed seeing both Maia and kassia grow. I am grateful though for pictures that have helped me document this time and bridge the gaps in my faulty memory, so one day I may look back at this time with fondness. 

Maia has been a trooper through this all and I'm grateful for her fairly easy going personality. I hate that she has had to be shuffled around these past six months. That is a large portion of a two year olds life and it is becoming what she knows. I am so very grateful for the kindness of my inlaws to open their home and hearts to take care of me and my girls and help provide some stability at this time. They truly are giving Christ like service at this time and I will forever be grateful. It is a bitter sweet thing being here, as I love that Maia and kassia get to spend time with there grandparents and aunts and uncles, but being sick makes it hard sometimes for me to enjoy, their joy. For example, today Maia leaned her chair back at the table too far and knocked herself backwards and hit the wall behind her. Luckily she wasn't hurt too much just a slight bonk on the head and being scared from the fall. I quickly got her out of the chair and started to comfort her. To my surprise she didn't want me, she wanted to be comforted by her grandpa. It is never easy to not feel needed by your child, and I think if the situation was different and we were just visiting it wouldn't have been a big deal but especially at this time it broke my heart. I keep reminding myself that I'm glad she has such wonderful people around her that care for her and that she feels comfortable enough to go to. Although it is really hard sometimes to see when I'm around, on the flip side, it is comfortating to know that she is in good hands and happy, when I'm not around. 

One last thing that I really miss is Sean. This sickness has brought us so close but has also torn us apart. Sean has been so amazing over the past year. Never once have I heard him complain about my vomiting, instead he has cleaned up after me, taken care of the girls and picked up the slack. It wasn't until I had the gtube placed that I started to realize how much I have been missing and how sick I have actually gotten. Being here in Utah with Sean in Ohio has probably been our hardest time apart to date. I feel so bad that's is going to miss out on so many milestones in his daughters lives. He will miss kassia rolling over for the first time and Maia trick or treating. He has given those moments up so that we ll could be taken care of. Hopefully I will start to feel better soon so we can be united as a family agin.

You would think that through my years of infertility, I would have learned that my plan and timing doesn't always mesh with what The Lord has planned for me and that my expectations/ideologies don't always happen. I am still trying to learn relinquish my will to The Lord, but unfortunately I am stubborn, it seams like I feel like I know what's best. I have been blessed that I will overcome this sickness, when that will happen I don't know, what I do know is that someday this will pass. I have been forced to be humbled many times throughout this experience, both physically and spiritually. It is hard to let others serve you when you feel like you should be able to do it yourself and when you feel like you should serving them.

One of the most humbling experiences was when a friend, who has been amazing and I'm not sure how I would have gotten through this with out her asked if she could organize a fast on my behalf. I will admit I wasn't too thrilled about the idea. For many selfish reasons I didn't want it done. First I felt that my faith should be enough, second I felt that a special fast is for those that are reply sick or needy and I didn't feel like I fit I to that category and lastly I didn't want people to be making a fuss over this as I felt like I was fine. What it really boiled down to is that my pride was getting in the way of allowing others to serve me. I have never thought much about allowing others to serve me spiritually. Sure I have felt the prayers of others on my behalf but I never really thought of it as service. This fast is an opportunity to allow other, who many want to help me, to help me. I know that there is great power in the faith of others but I had to push my pride aside, to allow that to happen. 

I should probably call it a night and wrap up my ramblings. I just felt like I needed to share my feelings and emotions. I have tried to stay fairly positive about this whole situation but I am human and sometime just need to let my feeling out. Tomorrow is another day that I'm am blessed to be here on this earth and though it may not fit my ideals, I will try to make the best of it I can. Plus tonight I have this beauty to snuggle.